Self-Help

My friend told me about a kid in her neighborhood who was always misbehaving. He would pull the girls’ hair, spit at people and use lots of curse words.

What was interesting was that whenever he was in her mom’s carpool , he was perfectly behaved in the car! 

What was it about her mom’s personality that had this positive response on the boy? Diane’s mom is a very loving and accepting person and her presence makes people feel cared for and important. She has a certain radiance that is exuded. This had more of an effect on the boy than any chastisements, behavioral therapy or other techniques employed previously.

There are a number of accounts of autistic children that also flourish in an enviornment of care and concern exhibited towards them. 

What is it about acceptance that has a curative power? Why does acceptance help people to open up and be the best they can be? When we are judged or criticized we tense up our bodies, get defensive and shut down. 

Acceptance doesn’t mean you approve of it when someone is acting out or misbehaving. What does happen is the person seems to pick up your appreciation of his good qualities and your belief in him.

In supervision meetings of counselors, it’s often stated that by praising someone for the things they are doing right they relax their bodies and can listen and gain trust. For instance, an overwhelmed mother may not be cleaning the home , have lots of parenting issues etc but showing her you know how hard her situation will make her comfortable with you.

When you point out a few things that someone is doing well, it makes them feel good and they don’t resist you. It is a way to help someone find their strengths and then they can find the part of themselves that is the seed to be nourished.

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